I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
