Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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