when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
