I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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