i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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