I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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