It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
