you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
