Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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