i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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