you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
