So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
