Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
