I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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