if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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