i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
