When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
