I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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