I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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