So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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