How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
