we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
