I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
