remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
