He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
