I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
