dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
