I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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