Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
