Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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