There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
