Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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