i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
