i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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