i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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