you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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