Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Randomize
