Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
