I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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