Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
