no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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