i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
