He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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