i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
