Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
