You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
