ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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