I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
