I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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