dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
