Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
