Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
